Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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