I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My hand turned me down
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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