I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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