why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
