Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
