talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
