dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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