I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
