and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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