my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
