Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
