I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't deserve a penis
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
