Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
