Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
