There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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