I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
