allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
