How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
