just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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