Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
