Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
