i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
