God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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