Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
