hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
