I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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