Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
