Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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