THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
