He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
