Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
