I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
