I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have fence marks all over my body
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
