If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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