I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
