i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can you bring me the toilet please
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
