I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You know, be my cock's hype man.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
