____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
