my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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