I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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