apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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