More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
