I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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