1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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