Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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