Will you blow on my dice?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
