Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
