i will never coherently bang her
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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