You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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