I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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