Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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