Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
